Who hurts the most?

The scariest thing in the world is choosing to walk away from the one person you love more than anyone else in the world. How do you admit to the person you want most in this world that you have to part ways? Where is the break-up exit interview? Is there a severance pay that I qualify for?

Should it hurt as much as it does, when the person you love did not love you back?

Who actually feels the brunt of the heartache in a break-up? It’s the person who does the walking away. There are so many emotional suitcases full of clothing that needs to be hastily packed, fragile plates full of memories that need to be carefully and individually wrapped, and books containing your adventures must be delicately placed in boxes and stored away. Break-ups do not happen over night. They take days…sometimes months.

He and I should have ended things when I left Connecticut. But, we didn’t. I think we both wanted things to work out, but how do you admit to yourself that it isn’t?

He saved me from myself, and I am so, so happy that I met him and shared as many happy memories with him as I could, but he just didn’t love me as I loved him.

“Ay, there’s the rub”. – Hamlet in Shakespeare’s Hamlet

The Right Thing

When people talk about “doing what is right”, how do they know what the right thing is? Does the royal “They” that people refer to have a secret handbook that others are unaware of? Is there really one correct solution to each dilemma in life?

Right now, I am dating this guy. I met him last April, right before I left college. He is the most amazing man I have ever met, but he is not most girl’s ideal boyfriend. He is forgetful and a flake, he works too much, he has no time for a real relationship, and he is clearly not someone who should be in a long distance relationship because he is not willing to put in the work.

My friends believe he is bad for me and my family wants me to dump him, but I think he just needs the guidance of the right girl. I fell for him for a reason and that reason surpasses all the reasons not to be with him. It is a shame that they are not reasons that can be physically seen because they are magical.

There is magic in the way he gently presses his lips to the top of my head as he hugs me, how he smiles slightly just before kissing me, in the way he holds me while we sleep, but there is more magic than anything in the way he looks at me. He has such expressive eyes and they are dead giveaways for anything he is feeling.

When I am with him, I feel as if we are the only two people on the planet. I am not afraid to get a little silly and really let loose. I never stress about straightening my hair or wearing the perfect outfit because just by looking into his eyes, I can tell he likes me for who I am.

I could never forget him and no matter how many times I tell him “It is over”, I still want him because my feelings for him are so powerful. He has changed my whole world, and I would not give him up for anyone else.

Would it be the right option for me to break up with a man, whom I love dearly, just because other people think it is right? What if there is no right option, only the option that I feel is right? Right now, my gut tells me that he and I are supposed to be together. We met when we did for a reason and who knows where will be in a few months from now, but I am just not ready to let him go.

I know that it would be the wrong choice.

 

 

I Will Never Stop…

My boyfriend has no idea how lucky he is to be loved by me. I am pretty sure that he and I are not going to be a thing soon.

I am sure that I drive him crazy.

I will never stop being in love with him until he tells me to. Until the day he tells me he does not want to be with me anymore. He came into my life at a time when I felt so lost. He saved me. Zachary saved me, and now I cannot imagine my life without him in it.

So, no…I will never stop caring about. I will never stop trying to be the best girlfriend I can be to him, and I definitely will never stop falling in love with him.

Sometimes it hurts

Did you ever notice that small spark of pain that shoots through your body, when you are faced with a difficult decision? It starts in your nose, jumps down to your toes, and then slowly worms its way into your heart and shocks your core.

That has happened to me more often than not lately. I am torn between something I do not want to do, and something I should do. What DO I do?

Why would I want to make the decision that will only break two hearts in the end? I just cannot break someone’s heart. It is not in my genetic make-up to hurt someone. That’s what makes me such a special kind of girl.

I’m the girl that has the best intentions; I’m the girl who loves everyone and makes friends with everyone. I’m the girl with too much empathy. Sometimes I feel the pain of one thousand people all at once, and it tries to shoot out of me all at once.

I’m not going to do it, by the way. I refuse to break my own heart or his heart for that matter. I’m in love with him. I will always be in love with him, and nothing can stop that. He is crazy about me as well. When I imagine my life ten years from now, all I can see is him. All I want is him. I think we were made for each other; Otherwise he could have dumped me the minute I left New Haven.

We are made for each other, and I intend to stick by him until he looks me in the eyes and tells me to let him go.

I do not think that day will ever come.

We have each other’s hearts gripped in the palms of our hands, and if one of us let’s go…I am not sure what would happen.