None for me, thanks

A woman in my office today was making chit-chat during lunch. “What do you do here, how old are you, are you married, do you want to be, do you want kids?” She damn-near fell off the chair when I decidedly told her, “No, I don’t want children. I don’t like them.”

“Well, why not?” she asked, as if my gender means I am predisposed to the motherhood gene. I gathered my thoughts for a moment and told her “I’m just not sure that a future filled with diapers, late nights, PTA meetings, scraped knees, children’s homework, and play dates really appeal to me.” She promptly turned back to her iced tea and salad.

Does being a woman automatically make me a mother? I’m already a mother to a 2-year-old Maine Coon cat. Isn’t that enough? Later on, I started thinking about what might happen if my boyfriend and I do get our act together and settle down. I don’t know that I have the wife gene either. What if settling isn’t actually what I want? What if that’s just the lie I have been telling myself because it’s expected of me?

Even if the ring is never on the table, how do you know when you’re ready to trade in girlfriend for wife and mother?

 

Texts Unread

I don’t like playing games – no one should.

I especially don’t like or appreciate when guys play games because that’s not how I date. Playing games tells me that you’re not looking for something real, even if you tell me you are, and it tells me that you don’t have the decency to tell me this.

Right now, I am dating the biggest game player in the country, and I have half a mind to text him and tell him that after 3 years of the same bullshit, I am done. If only it could be that simple for me, but my brain would never let that go. Unfortunately, I have done everything from breaking up with him to deleting his number to flat out blocking him in my phone. Sadly, I have memorized his number, blocking him isn’t permanent enough, and breaking up was easily reversed by texting him again.

His routine is texting me for a couple of days, then he won’t for about a week. Then, there will be weeks where he texts me once a day every day and I can’t have a conversation that way, obviously. Sometimes he just won’t text me for two weeks and say that it’s because he’s been working. What sucks is that I know exactly how many smoke breaks he takes and that he is ALWAYS on his cell phone, but he just can’t take five seconds to text his girlfriend.

I’m tired of it. I’m tired of waiting, tired of telling him what I need so this relationship works, tired of feeling alone because my boyfriend can’t be bothered being present in my life. I don’t have many friends, only a select few, and right now he’s not one of them. Right now, he is very much on the outside of my life and I hate feeling like this because it’s not how it should be. He is supposed to be the exclusive insider in my life, and at one point he was, but it didn’t take him long to stop caring.

Maybe it’s over with us, and maybe it’s not. All I know is that I need someone that’s actually going to be there, will text me or call me at night and lets me know how important I am to his life as well.

Love is a two-way street paved with double yellow lines.

One Year Later

It came to my attention that New Haven wasn’t making me very happy. So, what did I do? I gathered my family and my cat, packed up our belongings, and we left. Cooper and I are back in New York with my parents, and so far the change has been good for me, and for him, I think. It was so amazing having my own apartment, but I could tell that I was sinking down into the depths of my depression and anxiety which was only going to worsen the longer I stayed in that situation.

Deciding to leave was not easy – it came down to the wire. The week of my move I was contemplating calling the whole thing off and staying because, I mean, this is my beloved New Haven I’m talking about. How could I choose to leave?

During that last week, I started to panic thinking that I was making the wrong choice. What if I was supposed to stay and now I was messing up some master plan? I made it to Connecticut after all and I fought to get here, and I struggled to stay. How could I give it up so quickly? The answer is that I didn’t. Sometimes, I would cry just sitting downtown inside Blue State Coffee because I was going to miss coming in for my 5 o’clock hot chocolate. I would never again run for the bus after almost missing the shuttle connection at Union Station. I would miss the LL Bean grand opening on Elm and mentally dressing my boyfriend in the windows of Gant. Speaking of my boyfriend, what about him? The last time we did this dance with him in Hartford and me in New York, it didn’t work. Are we stronger now? Stay tuned, and we will all find out. I think a small part of me knows that I made it too easy when I moved closer to him. He needs to start showing up in New York. Three years later, and I am still playing the same games?

Back in June, I had quit my job. I was miserable; I had panic attacks daily. I had to go. Now, I am working, as an intern, on this database project in Manhattan, and although it is not the most glamorous gig, it is nice to do something simple and monotonous. It’s nice knowing exactly how my day is going to go, at least while I figure out where I hope to land next.

Tomorrow will mark two weeks since I moved home and I still have so much unpacking to accomplish. There is one box left with my clothes and then many many boxes of books, knick-knacks, and paddywhacks that need to be sorted and either sent to storage or placed somewhere in my bedroom. Between my stuff and Cooper’s stuff, we have limited space. My goal for tonight is to set up the desk so I can really focus on writing my novel, or, at least have a proper space in which to do so. I can smell success coming right around the corner! I want to have at least a rough draft to start submitting by December. No more messing around. If I want to write, then I have to actually write!

 

Sex: It’s in All of Us

When was the last time you had sex?

Go on…really think about this. Was it last night? Maybe it was last week? Was it perhaps last month? It could have been last year. I want you to stop and ask yourself, “When was the last time you had mind-blowing, bed-breaking, headboard smashing, insanely wild sex?”

It was March of 2016, but since then it has been the longest dry spell. For a brief period of time, I had broken up with my boyfriend, so he and I clearly were not getting it on. I had cut ties with the friend with benefits long ago and I really did not do the whole one-night-stand/dating thing. I find that my brain is just not programmed for it and I end up getting attached to that person’s company. It is more the comfort and attention offered by that person than anything else. I tend to have a bad taste in men so they are all really just jerks in the end.

My boyfriend and I got back together this past June and I have been giving him a chance to redeem himself and our relationship since moving back to New Haven. So far, so good…except for the fact that there is this unspoken tension between us but we are working through it – slowly. I am currently withholding sex from him because he can’t just trash our relationship and think he can get back in the sack, does he? He doesn’t even know that I am actively withholding sex from him. We just don’t have sex at this point. I actually feel like our relationship is going up in flames because lately (always) communication has been getting worse and worse between the two of us and little things he does really get on my nerves.

He tends to get into these moods and it’s really hard to get him out of them. I understand having a bad day, but I think it is something more than that and it’s no fun for me to ALWAYS have to be the happy, optimistic, positive one. Some days, I just want to be a little negative and express my upset about somethings. It’s not fair. Is it just sexual frustration? I don’t know. We used to have sex and it was fun and he was a much happier guy, before, during, and after. But now…how can I do something so intimate with someone who right now I am completely doubting his loyalty? If the trust isn’t there, how can there be intimacy?

A Sticky Situation

I don’t normally use this as my diary, but tonight I feel the need to because I need to get somethings off my chest. On New Year’s Eve, I made a wish. I wished to have my Zack back. I told myself that it was impossible and that it would never happen because he and I had not spoken since September when he just vanished. Apparently, the universe responded to me.

[Enter New Year’s Day, stage right]

Zack makes a comeback…

I had already decided that 2017 would be the year I learn to let him go and then there he is, blowing up the locked screen of my iPhone. I jumped so hard when I saw his text messages that I dropped that iPhone onto my grandmother’s ceramic kitchen floor. The screen of my iPhone 6 is cracked now. The thing that frustrates me is that, since he and I have reconnected, nothing about our dysfunctional relationship has changed – he is still a workaholic with no ideas on how to behave in a relationship. Every morning, I wake up with a painful headache and I know it is because I spent 8 hours of sleep subconsciously hoping he would change overnight.

He is 29 years old and he just does not understand. How do I make him understand? I already gave up the love of my life once. I really do not want to do it again. As long as we continue this ghosted relationship, then I suppose I can do it at some point. Once my eyes meet his…it’s game over.

“The Road So Far…”

Here we are. December is finally here and everywhere I go I see Christmas. Honestly, I work so much that sometimes I cannot believe that Christmas will be here in only 15 days. Typically, this is my favorite holiday because I love hearing the music and seeing the decorations, but this year…I am struggling to keep moving. I have many decisions to make before the end of 2016 and I am having the hardest time balancing all of my responsibilities.

Every night, I come home from work – dead tired and defeated. I have not worked on my novel for four months, but luckily I was able to get the week after Christmas off from work. I anticipate many long nights of writing and re-writing.

Since my break-up with Zack, I have not been doing so well. I put on a brave face and I smile and laugh my way through the work day, but what I really  want to do is just curl into a ball and cry. I have been struggling to move on from him and from the memory of our relationship, but it is hard. Letting go of someone is really hard. I wake up every morning with this hole in my chest and sometimes I feel like I cannot take a deep breath. People keep telling me to just move and forget him. “He was a loser,” some say. “He was a jerk and doesn’t deserve you anyway!” Well, the truth is I was in love with that loser – that asshole.

Let me tell you something about Zack. He may not have been the best at actually being in a relationship and managing work and making time for his girlfriend, BUT he is one of the best men to ever walk into my life and I will miss him for the rest of my adult life.

He was warm and funny; childish yet filled with wisdom. He was level-headed and impulsive. He was quiet but opinionated. He never told me that there was something I could not do. Most importantly, he never asked me to be someone I am not. He appreciated the woman I was when we were together. He always made sure we had fun and he encouraged me to follow my dreams. I will never find another Zack and to be honest, I do not want to because I will forever measure that man up to the Zack I want to be with.

It sucks that he and I are not together anymore and I feel like I am drowning in an ocean of our memories, but I guess there is nothing that can be done about this now. It just sucks that now that I can move back to New Haven, we are no longer together. If only I had been able to move back there last year. We might have gotten our Valentine’s Day dinner.

The Five Stages

About three months ago, I made the decision to end my relationship.

It wasn’t healthy. No one was happy. And…let’s face it – it just was not working.

I spent a year and a half trying to find some way to make it work and I did all I could, but he did not want to put in the work.

He did not want to spend hours traveling to me. He did not want to take five minutes at night to call me. He did not want to use his breaks at work to text me “good morning” or ask my how my day is.  He did not want to make me a part of his world.

It’s never easy, deciding to break up with someone. Every day I feel this hole, this unfillable void, in my life and I miss him.

I wake up and I miss him. I ride the train and I think about him. I walk to my office and my mind is flooded with memories of walking places with him. There is not a day I don’t hope and pray that he would just text me and want to work it all out – but he doesn’t.

He may not know this, but he saved my life. He helped me find myself and question the path I was on. He encouraged me to try new things; he always told me I could do anything I wanted.

Without him, I would probably still be working on my Senior Seminar British Literature term paper.

Thank you, Zack…thank you for keeping me awake that night, even though I kept taking mini naps and you would have to keep calling me. Thank you for making sure that at 3:45 AM, I woke up from my nap and finished page 6. Thank you for acting as my silent support system as I finished my final exam paper for my Literary Criticism class. You were watching the Kurt Cobain documentary, but having you next to me kept me focused because I knew that as long as you were there that I would get the paper done. Thank you for coming to my awards ceremony when we had only been dating one week.

Humbati…you oaf. xo