The Five Stages

About three months ago, I made the decision to end my relationship.

It wasn’t healthy. No one was happy. And…let’s face it – it just was not working.

I spent a year and a half trying to find some way to make it work and I did all I could, but he did not want to put in the work.

He did not want to spend hours traveling to me. He did not want to take five minutes at night to call me. He did not want to use his breaks at work to text me “good morning” or ask my how my day is.  He did not want to make me a part of his world.

It’s never easy, deciding to break up with someone. Every day I feel this hole, this unfillable void, in my life and I miss him.

I wake up and I miss him. I ride the train and I think about him. I walk to my office and my mind is flooded with memories of walking places with him. There is not a day I don’t hope and pray that he would just text me and want to work it all out – but he doesn’t.

He may not know this, but he saved my life. He helped me find myself and question the path I was on. He encouraged me to try new things; he always told me I could do anything I wanted.

Without him, I would probably still be working on my Senior Seminar British Literature term paper.

Thank you, Zack…thank you for keeping me awake that night, even though I kept taking mini naps and you would have to keep calling me. Thank you for making sure that at 3:45 AM, I woke up from my nap and finished page 6. Thank you for acting as my silent support system as I finished my final exam paper for my Literary Criticism class. You were watching the Kurt Cobain documentary, but having you next to me kept me focused because I knew that as long as you were there that I would get the paper done. Thank you for coming to my awards ceremony when we had only been dating one week.

Humbati…you oaf. xo

New Year’s Resolutions

I have a plan. It is a really good, solid plan. I have this schedule that I developed last week. It maps out my workouts, writing time, reading sessions, hours of job hunting, and when I get to just sit in silence. I actually in Saturday and Sunday morning swims at the indoor pool up the block from me. I am really excited to get started tomorrow. It is pretty awesome. I also have a list of resolutions for the year that I have posted right next to the headboard of my bed. This way I look at them every morning. Some of the are bound to be accomplished in 2016, if not the year after.

  1. Do tae bo everyday
  2. Run on the treadmill
  3. Meditate daily
  4. Take up yoga
  5. Cook and eat healthier
  6. Shop less
  7. Save more of my money
  8. Get my license
  9. Buy a car
  10. Find a job
  11. Pay off all of my credit cards
  12. Rent an apartment
  13. Get a cat
  14. Practice the clarinet
  15. Take piano lessons
  16. Drop three jeans sizes
  17. Write three short stories
  18. Self-publish a second book
  19. Enroll in a graduate degree program
  20. Study jamais vu

I was listening to Z100 last Monday and they said that the best way to write a real list of resolutions is to avoid using negative words and phrases. For example: Lose weight, stop smoking, stop over-eating. Telling yourself to stop doing something is as effective as weighing yourself every single morning, rather than at the start and end of every week. It is counter-productive because really you are causing yourself to continue bad habits you may want to break. I am a major offender of this advice, but this year I plan to try harder to follow it.

I am also planning to prepare my own lunches, utilize my Betty Crocker cookbook for dinners, and cut back on desserts until my birthday, in March. It will be so good for me, my complexion, and my over-all health. We cannot all have the super-metabolism and china doll complexion of the Gilmore Girls…even though I try.

Tomorrow’s menu includes my homemade chicken salad for lunch paired with delicious cucumber water. Dinner is still to be announced.

 

 

I Will Never Stop…

My boyfriend has no idea how lucky he is to be loved by me. I am pretty sure that he and I are not going to be a thing soon.

I am sure that I drive him crazy.

I will never stop being in love with him until he tells me to. Until the day he tells me he does not want to be with me anymore. He came into my life at a time when I felt so lost. He saved me. Zachary saved me, and now I cannot imagine my life without him in it.

So, no…I will never stop caring about. I will never stop trying to be the best girlfriend I can be to him, and I definitely will never stop falling in love with him.

Sometimes it hurts

Did you ever notice that small spark of pain that shoots through your body, when you are faced with a difficult decision? It starts in your nose, jumps down to your toes, and then slowly worms its way into your heart and shocks your core.

That has happened to me more often than not lately. I am torn between something I do not want to do, and something I should do. What DO I do?

Why would I want to make the decision that will only break two hearts in the end? I just cannot break someone’s heart. It is not in my genetic make-up to hurt someone. That’s what makes me such a special kind of girl.

I’m the girl that has the best intentions; I’m the girl who loves everyone and makes friends with everyone. I’m the girl with too much empathy. Sometimes I feel the pain of one thousand people all at once, and it tries to shoot out of me all at once.

I’m not going to do it, by the way. I refuse to break my own heart or his heart for that matter. I’m in love with him. I will always be in love with him, and nothing can stop that. He is crazy about me as well. When I imagine my life ten years from now, all I can see is him. All I want is him. I think we were made for each other; Otherwise he could have dumped me the minute I left New Haven.

We are made for each other, and I intend to stick by him until he looks me in the eyes and tells me to let him go.

I do not think that day will ever come.

We have each other’s hearts gripped in the palms of our hands, and if one of us let’s go…I am not sure what would happen.

A New Path

When I was a college freshman, I had this crazy dream of going to Law School. Somewhere between May 2011 and the Spring semester of my sophomore year, I decided to surrender that dream to the anxiety-ridden brain, inside my skull, that was screaming “Law School??!!! Is she crazy? We will be lucky to graduate from Albertus!”

Well…I did it, and I finished, with honors.

Now, I have re-booted that dream. For the next year, I will immerse myself into a pool of intense studying for the dreaded LSAT. My personal goal is to score at least a 150, on practice tests, by December. I will study from now until next fall, and in that time I should know if I definitely want to pursue the Law School dream.

If I did actually attend Law School, I would concentrate on the intellectual property law, trademarks, copyrights, patents, etc. I think it is a perfect match for the side of me that wants to work in the Publishing industry.

The only downside to this plan is that I would have to use any money I have saved and that I keep over the next year or year and a half, to pay for the test itself and for Law School. There is no way my parents could ever pay for it even if they offered. Right now, I am looking into Fordham University Law and Hofstra Law. Hofstra is right down the road from my house, and its tuition is pretty reasonable.

This could be a fantastic journey for me, and I already have the support of my sister, my boyfriend, and my therapist. I still have to talk to my mom and see if she would be on board with my plan. I bet she will be, but it will definitely be a struggle. Although, if I live at home for a while longer than I had intended, maybe I can get an apartment somewhere around here. Hofstra has graduate housing. Perhaps I can look into that, after a while.

I still have so much to do in regards to this plan, but this gives me so many different options. Law School means more money once I have graduated. Better job opportunities. More money. More doors will open up for me in life.

My timeline:

Sept 2015-Sept 2016 Study for LSAT

Sept 2016-Dec 2016 Take LSAT (possibly again)

Apply to Law School

Let’s do it!

Baby Eagle Spreads His Wings

My brother is a Boy Scout. He is currently working on his Eagle Project which involves painting five rooms inside the St. Vincent de Paul Food Pantry, in Elmont, New York. The rooms were white, to begin with, and now we have gone a shade darker this time, to quote Frasier. It’s a mess, and there are boy scouts of all sizes moving around with paint brushes and rollers. They are actually pretty excellent workers though. They are the most professional looking group of teenage painters that I have ever seen.

I just cannot believe that he is working towards his Eagle Award. Yesterday, he was a Tiger Cub Scout, and now he is a big, fluffy old Eagle. Crazy how the animal kingdom works, but hey…who am I?

It has been fun for me as well because this is something that a future boyfriend or spouse and I can do together, as we build a home together. One day, I want to walk around with the giant paint swatch in purse and debate over colors, for hours, and then finally paint the room myself. I just wish we had more than three days for the project because then I could come up with like a stencil or something, to paint on the walls. It is so dreary, in the Food Pantry. They need to brighten the place up a little.

Something Crazy

Pssst!!

Come here, and lean in close so I can whisper a secret to you.

For the first time in…ever…I am happy. My facial expressions may not tell you that I am, but I am. Deep inside me, there is this giant, giddy, giggly bubble of happiness that I want to share with the world and shout from the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro (Everest was so last season…).

It is not just because I have a fantastic boyfriend who is totally and completely enamored with me. I think it is because I have been making some simple life changes. What those are, I could not tell you. I should make a list:

  1. Cleaner room. (It’s quite a process. Fifteen years in the making.)
  2. A more mature-ish room (So I re-arranged some furniture and fixed up my desk. Also, my closet looks different to me.)
  3. I have this delicious Yankee Candle Cranberry Pear fragrance sphere. My room smells amazing. Please, come and give it a sniff.
  4. I recently re-organized some books.
  5. Also, I have read five books, in the past two weeks. I am pretty jazzed about that.
  6. How could I forget my Zachary?! Do you think he will be mad that he is sixth on the list? Sorry, baby. 🙂
  7. Finally, my workstation/office space/ writer’s corner is set up! My desk has been cluttered with random slips of paper, newspapers, birthday cards, pens, bags…ugh! It was a mess; now it is not, and I can sit here and finally, finally get to work on my novel.

It seems to me that I have so many things to make me happy. And…I am. I am delighted. Now that I have potential employment, I think the road only gets more comfortable from here. I will join the real world and go to work and make money. Eventually, I will get my own apartment, but maybe, just maybe, I should enjoy the perks of being in my home for just a while longer. Once you leave the nest, there is no moving back in. Plus, if I live at home for a while, I can learn how to cook, and do laundry in a real washer, and save money.