I tend to forget to celebrate myself and the changes that I have created within my physical being. I don’t think that I have ever really recognized Transformation Tuesday in my life or on any social media channel because I’ve never viewed my “progress” as an actual transformation worthy of praise. That version of me — that picture of me on the far left, in the Harvard hoodie ( no, I didn’t go there but my senior class visited Boston for our class trip prior to graduation) — that version of me was embarrassed of my body. That version of me wore wore a uniform to school, and then wore jeans, hoodies, and sneakers as a more casual uniform…a cloak, if you will. I didn’t want to be seen. My size made me feel like a moving target…like everyone noticed me the second that I entered a space, no matter how large. I remember feeling so incredibly out of place on that trip because the girls in my high school class were beautiful and thin with shiny long hair. I always wanted to fit in with them and I thought that I needed to do that by looking like them. But, it turned out that I fit in with them more than I thought that I did.
During high school, I gained 45 lbs — and I was even on Jenny Craig with my mom during sophomore year. I did okay, for a while, but then I discovered these enormous, delicious, under-baked chocolate chip cookies. A cookie a day…
Then, in college, without that official uniform to hide behind every day, I went back to my hoodies, jeans, and sneakers uniform. I hid myself because I felt like people wouldn’t want to talk to someone who looked like me. I also had awful roommate issues freshman year, which REALLY didn’t help improve my confidence any. That’s all I’ll say about that situation though. It took me a long time, but eventually I warmed up to the idea of leaving the hoodie in my dorm and wearing an actual tee shirt. GASP!
Flash forward to only two or three years ago, and I finally started accepting my body for what it was. I accepted my curves and my fatness as just being myself. Rather than hiding it any longer, I began embracing it. Yes, I am TIRELESSLY trying to lose weight so that I can look and feel more fit. I WANT to be a healthy weight, a healthy BMI. The photos to the right of the girl in the Harvard hoodie show a more confident, healthier version of me.
When we think about transforming something, we tend to think about it in a purely physical sense. In my case, the real change happened within before happening on the outside. I’m still physically overweight, but that no longer burdens my soul. Sometimes, we just need a little wardrobe update! When I get dressed in the morning, I know that everything in my closet is a piece of clothing that makes me feel good — worthy — and that’s because I allowed myself to accept my size for what it is now and purchased the clothes that fit my current shape. If we never accept ourselves, we will always try to fit into what doesn’t belong to us. Two summers ago, I put on a bikini for the first time and that was purely my self-confidence making an appearance on the beach. So, here’s my transformation love song to myself. This post was completely “stream of consciousness” so I apologize if it comes off as a little rambly (is that a word?) Sometimes we just need to let loose and let our thoughts fall where they may. I hope you don’t mind, but I added a song to the bottom of this post because it’s what I was listening to while I pounded away at the keys of my laptop.