There’s always going to be that someone whom you never think that you will hear from again. All it takes is one text message, phone call, Instagram follow/like…suddenly, they’re back. And, it’s never someone that you only lost touch with — no — it’s the love of your life. It’s the man that held your heart in the palm of his hand and crushed it right in front of you, watching as you slowly became dust in the wind. It’s the man who you wanted to understand, but he kept you locked outside…always looking in…wondering what he was thinking. He’s the man that I’m not quite sure that I can trust. He said that he was honest back then, and I found out that that was a lie. Who’s to say that he’s honest now?
I made the mistake of replying to his text message.
This man tells me he’s sorry and says that he has a lot to tell me, but then vanishes all over again. Well, sir…I have a lot to tell you as well. Where…HOW…do I even begin? Everything is so jumbled inside of my brain, all of synapses are firing at once. It’s not hatred that I feel. I can’t even really call it anger. What do I feel?
Yes, these words feel more accurate to me. He HURT me. When I realized that he left me, I couldn’t breathe. I was Carrie Bradshaw after Big left her waiting at the library. Sometimes I think emotional scarring is the worst one of all. Nothing can ever remove it. It’s always there to remind me and frustrate me and make me question every god damn thing that another human will say or do around me. It’s the thing that haunts my dreams and influences my desires.
Do you want to know the craziest part?
I still love him.
I still miss him.
If he could prove that he’s changed, I would take him back in one breath, one heartbeat.
But, I’m smarter than I was three years ago. I know he hasn’t changed — he can’t…or, won’t, more accurately. Men that don’t want to change, won’t change. It’s not that they are incapable. Anyone can change if they want to try. I still love him because that’s who I am — I continue loving you and wanting the best for you, even after you’ve hurt me so deeply. I think that Hailee Steinfeld puts it so eloquently in her song “Wrong Direction”,
I don’t hate you
No, I couldn’t if I wanted to
I just hate all the hurt that you put me through
And that I blame myself for letting you”
As much as I still love him and wish we could work out our shit — in spite of how bad we are for one another — I am quite proud of myself. He hasn’t texted me again since I wrote back to him that day and I’m okay with that. In the past I would have obsessively texted him but I really have been working on improving myself these last two years. When/if he wants to have a conversation with me, he will reach out to me. He doesn’t do well with pressure, and I know this, but in the past I wouldn’t care. Now that I’m a little older, I understand that no one likes to be rushed.
This could be my chance for closure and I really don’t want to ruin it.