I am a die-hard fan of The Hills and now of The Hills: New Beginnings. Both shows are famous for using some beautifully poignant music for each scene or big moment in each episode. Last Monday night, we saw Justin Bobby and Audrina finally sit down to talk about all of the drama that’s happened within the group since Stephanie returned from London. So far this “season” we have seen and heard the rumors about Justin and Stephanie growing closer as friends and possibly hooking up secretly. Of course, one of Audrina’s “best friends” shares these suspicions with her thus planting the seeds of doubt in her hand. Now, I don’t know who to believe and it’s not my business to decide who is being truthful, but it made me sad to see two people who used to love one another now falling apart because of Stephanie Pratt, the spoiled drama queen. The two come to the conclusion that, after 10-plus-years, they can no longer be friends. MTV uses this song, Bigger Than Us by Hudson Thames and it really stuck with me because I have always seen a little bit of myself and my ex in Audrina and Justin.
About a month ago, I told you that the bastard ex, that ghosted me, texted me. I regret having to say this, but I still lacked the clarity I needed to figure out how to move forward from here. We weren’t together, but we also weren’t not together – it was weird and incredibly awkward because I felt like “okay, does this mean I really shouldn’t be trying to date other people?” Texting was a puddle of conflicting feelings and I wasn’t sure what I should tell him and what I should keep to myself. I mean, here was the man I loved – deeply – back in my life but still holding me at an arm’s length.
He and I met when I was 22 and we both knew it might end up imploding in the end. Our timing was always off from one another. He was 27 and didn’t know what he wanted, and then we met and I was young and in college, until I wasn’t anymore. The shift happened when I left town, and then things re-shifted when I came back to Connecticut. I was 25 and he was 30, but we never quite got to that moment that we needed to make this a lasting relationship. Neither of us quite trusted the other one completely because we both had un-resolved trust issues. We fought about priorities, money, family, communication, etc. As much as I hate admitting it, the effort he put into the relationship was all he had to give and when he texted me last month, I thought it was because he had suddenly matured but really I think it’s because he missed whatever ego boost talking to me gave him. It’s sad and hurts me deeply, but it’s the truth. Hudson Thames said it best in his song, “Bigger Than Us”:
Tried to keep it small, it wasn't enough
It's nobody's fault, it was bigger than us
While, of course, I’m very angry with myself for falling madly in love with him, I don’t regret a single moment of loving him. My only regret is not recognizing that it needed to end when I still lived close enough to him to have an in person conversation. I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t too big for me to handle and that he would learn the powers of communication, but he’s just as closed off as he ever was and that’s something that I’m not properly equipped to handle.