Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Even when I was in a relationship, I never celebrated so why should this year be any different? For me, it’s just a normal day. I’ll go to work, come home, work out, make dinner, and then watch some television with my family. I suffered a major heartbreak at the tail end of 2018 that I am slowly working through in 2019, but they say it takes half the total time of your relationship to get over someone so 2020 is my year I suppose. Sit back, and let me tell you about how my 31-year-old boyfriend ghosted me right before Christmas.
I know what you’re thinking. That this post is going to be about how deeply he hurt me, but that I am still in love with him. I can promise that, while I do have a deep love for him as a person, I am no longer in love with him romantically. I am madly in love with the good memories of us, but soon, those will fade away, and I will completely let him go. He hurt me. Deeply. Most days I walk around with enough questions in my head to burn a hole through my skull. There are times when I’ll just be walking to my office, and my heart feels so incredibly dense.
Until December, I had been in a semi-committed, on and off, three-and-a-half-year “LDR” (long distance relationship) with a man I met one month before I graduated from college. He is a Connecticut native, and I had been living in New Haven at the time. We met on OkCupid, spent two weeks texting before finally going on our first date. There was chemistry instantly – physically, mentally, emotionally. It was lovely being his girlfriend, but then I moved back to New York after graduation, and he showed me who he was: workaholic, emotionally unavailable, and afraid of commitment. For about a year, we talked on the phone every single night, but, by year two, it became one phone call a week, and then one a month (if he had time) and slowly our relationship was conducted via texts and the occasional Snapchat.
Our relationship was always messy, but he would send text after text reassuring me that he wanted to stay together because he “didn’t want to lose me.” The more time we spent apart, the more skeptical I became. We would argue because he wouldn’t try hard enough. I was never his priority – I wasn’t even on his radar of essential people, and that hurt me because he was one of my top priorities.
We broke up three times while I was living in New York. Sorry, let me rephrase that. I ended the relationship with him multiple times, a week or two would go by, and I would miss him so much that I would beg him to come back. I compromised myself so that I wouldn’t have to face the possibility of being alone. I didn’t see how harmful that was until just recently.
Eventually, I moved to New Haven. I was in love with the city itself, but I think my feelings for him are what pushed me to move there before I was ready. I knew that I had no business leaving my parents’ house, but, mentally, I felt like it was then or not at all. I knew our relationship was dying and I loved him. Moving there helped to keep it on life support so I could sit with him just a little longer.
That’s what I had with him. One year of birthdays, holidays, hot summer nights, early spring mornings, late night walks, cooking together, laughing together…showing him just what it would be like if we ever had a place. He stayed with me most weekends and saying goodbye was always the saddest thing because I knew he was a flight risk and each time he left my house might have been the last time I would ever see him.
I regret falling in love with someone who could make me feel like that. If you love someone, as much as I loved him, then make sure you feel loved in return. When I told him I was moving back to New York, and he didn’t beg me to stay, that’s when I knew – I knew he could never love me like I loved him.
So, I left and from the minute I handed over those keys, I knew my relationship had died. Time of death 4:56 pm July 28, 2018. It was hard to admit that to myself and my family because I was still holding on to hope for the two of us.
When the new year came, and I never heard from him, that’s when I knew I had been ghosted. We had tickets to a show for his birthday and when the day came and I never heard from him, I knew. I knew that I had to forget him and learn to be without him. I was no longer his girlfriend and he was no longer my boyfriend. The real punches came when I found out he had a new girlfriend already. Thanks for that one, Facebook.
Since the new year, I have been doing all I can to let him go and begin to heal and believe in the possibilities that are ahead of me. I’ve made the Personal Growth section of Barnes & Noble my new best friend, I joined the 100 Days to Brave Challenge group for 2019 on Instagram, I am reconnecting, slowly, to my religious beliefs or lack thereof, and I am working towards 60 days of no contact with him. The hope is that by the end of 60 days you’ve forgotten how much you want that person in your life because I don’t. Even if he texted me tomorrow with the longest block of “I’m Sorry’s” and “Please don’t be upset with me”, I could never trust him again. He hurt me and that’s not something I will ever forgive. I let down all of my walls for him. He knew everything – my good and bad sides, my depression and possible bipolar disorder, all of my anxieties and nerves, my hopes and my dreams.
That’s the thing about knocking down your walls and letting people into your life, there are giant gaps where there used to be brick and you’re completely exposed to the elements.
In efforts to share my experiences and my story with others who might have had the same thing happen to them, I went onto one of my favorite podcasts to talk about it. The Viall Files, hosted by former-Bachelor, Nick Viall, had Rachel Lindsay on the show and they both had some excellent advice for me. Click the Spotify link below and give it a listen! The whole episode is really fun and interesting to listen to. I come in with my question at 79:35. If you’ve been ghosted by someone, even if it was after a few dates, I recommend giving this a listen.