Who can relate?

This past week has been especially tricky. It started off with the job interview of a lifetime and devolved into panic attacks and a major depressive episode.

Some of you may or may not know from past posts that I suffer from depression and social anxiety. Well, this week, I started to research some of my symptoms from the prior month, and all of my information points me towards Bipolar Disorder. I am obviously going to speak to my actual therapist, but everything sounds exactly like what I have been experiencing lately. I started noticing around Christmastime that something was different, but I think I was afraid to bring it up because I didn’t want to try new medications or be sent for tests that might be pointless.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), Bipolar Disorder is a “manic-depressive illness which causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. There are four basic types of bipolar disorder; all of them involve clear changes in mood, energy, and activity levels. These moods range from periods of extremely “up,” elated, and energized behavior (known as manic episodes) to very sad, “down,” or hopeless periods (known as depressive episodes). Less severe manic periods are known as hypomanic episodes.”

Here are some of the listed symptoms and signs of each episode:

Bipolar Disorder

I know exactly what my depressive episodes feel like and that’s how I knew when the mania hit me. So, pile this on top of the anxiety that I already had and the week became incredibly stressful. I’m also waiting to hear back about this job I really want, which adds more stress and the world squeeze a little tighter.

I’m not someone who avoids talking about mental health because it makes people uncomfortable. It’s essential that we make it as commonplace as necessary because you never know who might be helped by an open forum such as this. If my journey, my demons, can help someone else in pain, then I will share anything you want me to – just not my therapist, haha!

I think Demi Lovato says it best – she is on a journey to experience a world free of all demons.

That’s a day I’ll look forward to experiencing for myself.

 

 

If you are in crisis and need someone to turn to immediately, please see below:

For Immediate Help

If You Are in Crisis: Call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The service is open to anyone. All calls are confidential.

If you are thinking about harming yourself or thinking about suicide:

  • Tell someone who can help right away
  • Call your licensed mental health professional if you are already working with one
  • Call your doctor
  • Go to the nearest hospital emergency department

If a loved one is considering suicide:

  • Do not leave him or her alone
  • Try to get your loved one to seek immediate help from a doctor or the nearest hospital emergency room, or call 911
  • Remove access to firearms or other potential tools for suicide, including medications

Texts Unread

I don’t like playing games – no one should.

I especially don’t like or appreciate when guys play games because that’s not how I date. Playing games tells me that you’re not looking for something real, even if you tell me you are, and it tells me that you don’t have the decency to tell me this.

Right now, I am dating the biggest game player in the country, and I have half a mind to text him and tell him that after 3 years of the same bullshit, I am done. If only it could be that simple for me, but my brain would never let that go. Unfortunately, I have done everything from breaking up with him to deleting his number to flat out blocking him in my phone. Sadly, I have memorized his number, blocking him isn’t permanent enough, and breaking up was easily reversed by texting him again.

His routine is texting me for a couple of days, then he won’t for about a week. Then, there will be weeks where he texts me once a day every day and I can’t have a conversation that way, obviously. Sometimes he just won’t text me for two weeks and say that it’s because he’s been working. What sucks is that I know exactly how many smoke breaks he takes and that he is ALWAYS on his cell phone, but he just can’t take five seconds to text his girlfriend.

I’m tired of it. I’m tired of waiting, tired of telling him what I need so this relationship works, tired of feeling alone because my boyfriend can’t be bothered being present in my life. I don’t have many friends, only a select few, and right now he’s not one of them. Right now, he is very much on the outside of my life and I hate feeling like this because it’s not how it should be. He is supposed to be the exclusive insider in my life, and at one point he was, but it didn’t take him long to stop caring.

Maybe it’s over with us, and maybe it’s not. All I know is that I need someone that’s actually going to be there, will text me or call me at night and lets me know how important I am to his life as well.

Love is a two-way street paved with double yellow lines.

One Year Later

It came to my attention that New Haven wasn’t making me very happy. So, what did I do? I gathered my family and my cat, packed up our belongings, and we left. Cooper and I are back in New York with my parents, and so far the change has been good for me, and for him, I think. It was so amazing having my own apartment, but I could tell that I was sinking down into the depths of my depression and anxiety which was only going to worsen the longer I stayed in that situation.

Deciding to leave was not easy – it came down to the wire. The week of my move I was contemplating calling the whole thing off and staying because, I mean, this is my beloved New Haven I’m talking about. How could I choose to leave?

During that last week, I started to panic thinking that I was making the wrong choice. What if I was supposed to stay and now I was messing up some master plan? I made it to Connecticut after all and I fought to get here, and I struggled to stay. How could I give it up so quickly? The answer is that I didn’t. Sometimes, I would cry just sitting downtown inside Blue State Coffee because I was going to miss coming in for my 5 o’clock hot chocolate. I would never again run for the bus after almost missing the shuttle connection at Union Station. I would miss the LL Bean grand opening on Elm and mentally dressing my boyfriend in the windows of Gant. Speaking of my boyfriend, what about him? The last time we did this dance with him in Hartford and me in New York, it didn’t work. Are we stronger now? Stay tuned, and we will all find out. I think a small part of me knows that I made it too easy when I moved closer to him. He needs to start showing up in New York. Three years later, and I am still playing the same games?

Back in June, I had quit my job. I was miserable; I had panic attacks daily. I had to go. Now, I am working, as an intern, on this database project in Manhattan, and although it is not the most glamorous gig, it is nice to do something simple and monotonous. It’s nice knowing exactly how my day is going to go, at least while I figure out where I hope to land next.

Tomorrow will mark two weeks since I moved home and I still have so much unpacking to accomplish. There is one box left with my clothes and then many many boxes of books, knick-knacks, and paddywhacks that need to be sorted and either sent to storage or placed somewhere in my bedroom. Between my stuff and Cooper’s stuff, we have limited space. My goal for tonight is to set up the desk so I can really focus on writing my novel, or, at least have a proper space in which to do so. I can smell success coming right around the corner! I want to have at least a rough draft to start submitting by December. No more messing around. If I want to write, then I have to actually write!